JefferyAnderson.com

What the fuck is wrong with me? I went to The Iron Bear because Ray was going to be there to surprise his BF Chad. I went into the bar, got myself a Ziegenbock and the my instinct just put me in wallflower mode.

I found a chair in the corner of the bar and slowly drank my beer. All the while I was clutching my phone. I WAS CLUTCHING MY FUCKING PHONE! It didn’t start out too bad. I just sat there and stared out into the crowd. I didn’t smile or move to the music or anything, I was just this shy, TERRIFIED, cub sitting alone in the corner. Barely anyone gave me a second glance if I even got a first one.

So, I was waiting for Chad to arrive so Ray would come out of hiding and surprise him and I could possibly have hung out with him or something. At least given him a hug or something.

I finished my beer. I sat, staring, clutching my phone. Glanced at Bruizr.

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I finally got up to get another beer. I went back to the same guy I got the first one from. Then I just cowered in the corner. I was shaking, I was even tearing up. I actually started crying a little.

I finished my beer. Now this whole thing was within an hour and a half. From what was originally planned, Chad was suppose to show up at 10. I was 10:45 when I finished my second beer and I messaged Ray.

Me: I’m going to head home. I’m close to having an anxiety attack or something

Ray: Alrighty

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As I was heading out of the bar, my phone was clenched in my right hand and left hand was balled into a fist. I think I already had that anxiety attack. I didn’t say anything to anyone as I walked back to my car. I hadn’t felt this alone in my left since August 24th, 2007 when I walked into the hospital room and Karl was already dead. I tried to hold it back, I tried the best I could the entire walk back to my car but some sobs were released. I was cursing Karl. I loved him and hated him all at the same time. I put I Hate Love on repeat as I drove home, sobbing on and off. I slowly walked into my apartment. Sonnet jumped on me, but I just walked to the bed where he jumped up. I didn’t go onto the bed but I did lean over and gave her a kiss.

Then I came here. I typed this up. I’m crying again. Feeling so alone. I should have never gone to the Iron Bear. I don’t think I’ll ever go to a bar or a bear event again. I’ll forever be alone.